The Heart of a Mother — to sit in joy and pain

Nothing has stretched my heart quite like becoming a mother. To be the one to watch and experience my little ones grow and learn is nothing short of an incredible gift. I think it is an intentional part of the mystery of life that we don’t know everything that will be asked of us as mothers, because often times at the thought of certain challenges or hardships we may think there is no way we could handle that. And we are probably right- we cant do it, but God can. We are never alone, and what has struck me is that God does in fact ask us for more than we can handle, because that is precisely where he comes in to help us carry it. We may be asked to carry some heavy things, but God does not want us to carry these things alone. Even Jesus had people who helped him carry his cross. It doesn’t matter what our certain crosses are, or if other people think they are heavy or not, they may feel heavy to us. But what can make them even heavier is trying to carry them all by ourselves.

In the health world I think the line between taking control and taking care of, can get a bit blurry. After years of caring for my oldest with health issues, there has been a tension between what action to take to heal my son, versus my surrender. This feeling of needing to cure my son, vs leaning into the suffering. While I believe it's always a delicate dance between the two, I heard a quote that stuck with me — “Surrender doesn’t mean not taking action, but rather it is inviting God into exactly what is going on.” God is constantly teaching me the different seasons that come with chronic illness. There are times to research and to put the work in, and there are times to rest even though it might not all be figured out. He is teaching me to lean on Him and to not be so scared and self-reliant when suffering comes our way. In the “Encountering Emmanuel” Advent reflection, each day ends with a breath prayer to repeat throughout the day and some of my favorites are, “Where I am self-reliant, Jesus, be born in me”, and “Where I am in darkness, Jesus, be born in me.” Such a beautiful reminder during this Advent season that Jesus wants to meet us in these places where we may feel lost, or feel the pressure of needing to fix everything right away.

While there may be different times that require different actions, if taking charge of certain things in life for your kids right now is creating more chaos in your life, that is worth looking into. I am always checking in with myself to make sure I am keeping my peace. Even asking Jesus in the midst of confusion what his will is for you can be such a beautiful prayer and reminder that His will comes first. When Liam was in the midst of extreme suffering it called me to action. There were many sacrifices made in the time I took researching, trying to find doctors, taking him to the chiropractor and completely changing his diet around. Time was ticking a bit faster to find ways to help him heal and relieve his pain and so during that time we did take on a lot of work to help figure out what was going on. Not all seasons are like that. Some give a bit more time. Either way, Jesus really asked me to lean on him and to learn how to suffer well instead of grin and bear it, and remain resentful of western medicine and the way I felt it had wronged us. Instead of running, we are learning to embrace it not only as our suffering, but what that suffering can do for our lives- because behind suffering is always a fruit. We pray that these sufferings make Liam a resilient boy who will probably have a deeper understanding of the mystery of suffering and love many of us do!

During the time when Liam was at the peak of TSW flares there was absolutely nothing I could do to take away the flare when it was happening. It was absolutely heart wrenching to see him in so much pain and not be able to fix it, and not understand what was happening. I thank God for the opportunity to go on a morning retreat where I heard my good friend, Sister Mary Pieta, talk about Mary and what kind of mother she is to Jesus. She talked about how Mary was asked to sit with Jesus in his suffering. Mary knew what was to come and instead of spending her time worrying, trying to take it away, she surrendered and did what was being asked of her. She sat with Jesus in his pain at the cross. I can only imagine what she was feeling then, seeing her only son suffer and she was asked to do nothing but be with Him in it. As mothers we want to take it away and make it better, but even our Mother Mary sat with the pain. That is the heart of a mother. Jesus stretches our hearts to give us the capacity to sit with our children in their pain and that is a unique feminine gift.

All of this to say, sometimes there is a pressure in the health world that we are responsible for completely healing our children, and while it is so miraculous to see healing, and I love learning and helping my family and children become healthier, I don’t want to miss the ways is which Jesus wants to bless us in our times of suffering. There is so much fruit and consolation he has for us, and he doesn’t want us to become resentful towards the world. I believe he desires healing just like we do because he is just that good of a God— but what I am learning is that while the Lord is definitely healing us, it may not always look like what we think it should.